So, my ex-husband got married again this weekend. It's been just about two years since our divorce was finalized, and since I remarried over a year ago, it's not surprising that he's moved on too. What IS surprising is just how emotional it's made me. Not because I didn't know he was getting married again (googling took care of that several months ago), or because I want him back, or because I don't want him to be happy. But because as much as I talk about my journey and my truth, I rarely talk about this one: that after nearly a decade together, I wasn't truth for him.
Yes, I was the bad guy. I left. I asked for the divorce. I refused counseling or reconciliation because I was done, because I knew those Hail Mary-type efforts would only prolong the inevitable.
But I didn't leave just because he wasn't right for me, but because I wasn't right for him. Sure, he thought I was. But I couldn't live up to his ideals, his expectations, his illusions of who I was and who I'd come to be. And I became resentful. Bitter, angry, withdrawn, sullen. Not myself. And no good to myself or to him as a partner. I did and said many, many things I regret. I thought I'd made my peace with it a long time ago. But I really haven't. Because it's hard to acknowledge that I played a role in the marriage's demise. That it wasn't just him. That it was also ME. And that there's someone out there that can do a better job at being a spouse to him than I could.
"She will love you more than I could. She who dares to stand where I stood."
- Missy Higgins
Laura,
ReplyDeleteI admire a person that can be honest and frank about their life. As much as I hate to see a couple get a divorce, if it was something that wasn't working for you (and ultimately for him), why continue?
Moving on is a tough thing to do... my best to you.
That's real life! Kudos to you for realizing what's best for you - and it looks like you definitely came out on top! ;)
ReplyDeleteThat song makes me cry every time I hear it. Because I do feel like I failed in some ways, but moreso, happy because someone else will the partner that my ex deserves.
ReplyDeleteSeriously - you said it perfectly :) Thank you for being so brilliant!
ReplyDelete-jane
Laura thanks for writing this so honestly. I don't know if my first ex has remarried. I certainly hope he has. Because before I left I dreamed that he was with a woman who adored him and loved him and was a good partner to him. And I told her I was glad, because he deserved that. Whether that was just my final dream nudge to move on or there really was a person in the future waiting for him, I, like you, knew it was time to let him and me start our truth separately.
ReplyDeleteWow. just thanks!
I admire you for reconciling this within yourself and being brave enough to share it! Way to go!
ReplyDeleteWow! That was really powerful. I recently had a similar experience; finding out an ex was married. It was funny because the morning I found out I had just thought to myself, "I am really over him and want him to be happy." Then I found out that he had been married for two years! He never told me (Google and facebook did) and we had talked a few (2) months before his wedding about whether we could make it work (i.e. marriage) and he was already engaged. That really hurt.
ReplyDeleteYou were strong enough to get out once you realized it wasn't going to work. Kudos to you!
I love this post. Mainly because even though it's hard for you to accept and admit openly your role in the situation, you did it. What a huge blessing to be a person who can see, not particularly like, but ultimately own up to your actions (the good, the bad, and the ugly). In a world of "not my fault," "only because you..." and the like, you deserve a pat on the back for being real. (I know that wasn't the point of the post, but that's what's important to me in the story.) The emotional response to the wedding is just one of the steps along the way to truly letting go (not something that happens overnight). Next year, you'll probably laugh at your response (or, maybe the year after that). :)
ReplyDeleteI cannot wait unti my blog gets a makeover, and I can respond individually!
ReplyDeleteJason-thanks for commenting and glad we connected.
Niki-thanks--great seeing you yesterday!
Sarah--I cry, too. And I know exactly how you feel. And things are turning out how they're meant to be--I'm sure of it. ((hugs!))
Jane--thanks you. Glad we've connected after all of these years!
Peggie-I felt the same way. I hoped and prayed for him to find happiness. I'm glad he's found it.
Ann--thanks. Running crazy distances will do that to a person!
Bobbi-it always hurts, no matter time or space or distance. You are a fabulous person, inside and out, and deserve someone who will see that.
Kristen-I love the different people can read the same post and that different things resonate. I'm not one for blaming others. I don't want to be blamed unduly, but I also want to acknowledge that I did things I regret. The outcome would still be the same, but it's my very public "I'm sorry." And I try to be real--after so many years of faking it, I owe it to myself to try and share my story as best I can.
What an open and vulnerable post. I admire your courage and strength. And your insight and depth.
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the list of readers who LOVES the honesty in this post. Thank you for this, wow, I'm going to direct single moms to this post!
ReplyDeleteit's good that you have feelings, that means you're normal. we're only human, after all.
ReplyDeletethere's always the flip side. i did some Facebook lurking and found out that my ex has listed himself as being "widowed" (meanwhile, he never got remarried after I left him). which is kind of funny and kind of not. and also kind of weird.
i love your openness and honesty, laura. i haven't been married before, but i've been in this situation with a long time boyfriend (try since 7th grade!), and i can only quote james ingram and say, "there's no easy way to break somebody's heart." what courage it takes to do this! kudos to your for listening to your soul and following what you knew was right.
ReplyDeletehope you had a great day!