So, my ex-husband got married again this weekend. It's been just about two years since our divorce was finalized, and since I remarried over a year ago, it's not surprising that he's moved on too. What IS surprising is just how emotional it's made me. Not because I didn't know he was getting married again (googling took care of that several months ago), or because I want him back, or because I don't want him to be happy. But because as much as I talk about my journey and my truth, I rarely talk about this one: that after nearly a decade together, I wasn't truth for him.
Yes, I was the bad guy. I left. I asked for the divorce. I refused counseling or reconciliation because I was done, because I knew those Hail Mary-type efforts would only prolong the inevitable.
But I didn't leave just because he wasn't right for me, but because I wasn't right for him. Sure, he thought I was. But I couldn't live up to his ideals, his expectations, his illusions of who I was and who I'd come to be. And I became resentful. Bitter, angry, withdrawn, sullen. Not myself. And no good to myself or to him as a partner. I did and said many, many things I regret. I thought I'd made my peace with it a long time ago. But I really haven't. Because it's hard to acknowledge that I played a role in the marriage's demise. That it wasn't just him. That it was also ME. And that there's someone out there that can do a better job at being a spouse to him than I could.
"She will love you more than I could. She who dares to stand where I stood."
- Missy Higgins